Tips for Dealing With Ambiguous Loss image Auberge Greater Austin
“Do you see her?”
“See what, Grandma?”
The soft-spoken voice I had heard my whole life grew louder.
“Do you see her?”
She was scared. She pointed to the mirror on her beautiful, ivory-inlaid antique cabinet, and begged me, shaking, to cover it up.
What I did not know is that she was suffering from Alzheimer’s. That day I truly lost my grandmother. It was not the date of her actual death, but it was the day I began to grapple with ambiguous loss.
I grew up to pursue a career in this field, and my name is Noor I. Zibdeh, LMSW Memory Care Director at The Auberge at Onion Creek. I see residents who live with endless mental and physical pain from dementia in many forms. My families deal with loss every day. Loss is often defined by physical death. Every culture has its funerary rites, religious or otherwise. Those don’t apply to ambiguous loss.
Ambiguous loss is a term coined by Dr. Pauline Ross through her work with not only victims of tragedies like 9/11, but also those who have lost loved ones to dementia.
Grieving someone who is physically present but psychologically “not there” is a unique feeling. The emotions can seem never-ending as loved ones watch a disease slowly progress. Meanwhile, finances, care, and advanced directives must be addressed and maintained.
A decades-long spouse fails to recognize you. A parent who has provided counsel is unable to help when life is unfair. A professor or author is suddenly unable to find words. Anger, depression, guilt, and blame can set in, and these feelings may linger.
A Few Tips for Those Experiencing Ambiguous Loss:
- Attend support groups. Learn coping techniques and meet others who understand.
- See a therapist, social worker, or psychologist, or simply seek counsel from a religious or secular source.
- Don’t isolate. Isolation, which is common, can lead to anxiety and depression.
- Self-care is key. Learn a new language, take a course, join a meet-up, exercise.
This article is brought to you by The Auberge Greater Austin.
